What’s the greatest thing about gaming? Well if I had to answers that question I would say it’s the fact that video games offer a little something for everyone. With the rise of casual gaming, and grandmothers who swing their wii-motes while playing tennis – to the basement dwellers racking up kills in Modern Warfare, everyone has something they enjoy playing. Well with the upcoming U. S election season in full swing and all the recent talk about the group just waiting to take back their America – The Teabaggers, I thought to myself – what games are they playing? And what games should they avoid playing?
Because I’m a nice guy, and on rare occasions like helping others out I put together this short list of the do’s and don’ts of Teabagger gaming.
Released State side way back in February of 2007 and published by Atari, Bullet Witch allowed players to live out their fantasies as a gun rod wielding witch named Alicia Claus. The “rod” acted like a wand allowing it to transform into a variety of chaos causing weapons such as shotguns, machine guns, and the mother of all killing utensils the gatling gun. Like any good witch however Alicia has her fair share of spells to cast as well (nine in total) such as summoning a tornado, lightning strikes, and a freaking meteor. Let’s face it Bullet Witch was a mediocre effort to cash in on the immaturity of the Xbox 360 at the time thus resulting in its poor sales both in North America and Japan. Sure the game isn’t for everyone, but let’s face it not everyone wants to be a witch and practise witch craft – but for those who do (looking at you Christine O’Donnell) Bullet Witch may be just the game for you.
Recap: Bullet Witch is a solid game for anyone looking to practise their witch craft in a more safely controlled form.
WORLD WAR II GAMES (AVOID THEM)
Times are tough for gamers who would like to reenact World War II through the eyes of the Nazi’s. I’m not one of those gamers per say, but I can see the difficulty they must have just wanting to live out their fantasies as a member of Hitler’s high command draped in a Waffen SS uniform. I mean sure there are plenty of games that allow players to take part in the epic battles of Normandy (Medal of Honor: Frontlines) to the bloody battles of Berlin (CoD: World at War) but none give us the oppurtunity to switch sides and sympathized with the Nazi’s. Too quote Republican Teabagger candidate Rick Lott – “we salute these idealist no matter how unsaviory the Nazi government was…” Come on game developers get off your asses and pay your respects to the SS, and in the mean time I reccomend Teabaggers avoid World War II games.
Recap: After searching the internet I really could not find a game allowing players to control the Nazi Party, but that still doesn’t make it right to live out your fantasy in the real world.
“TIT”ILLATING JAPANESE GAMES
A strong fact that has always stuck with gaming is that most gamers are in fact pubescent teenage boys. Sure each year more and more girls, grandparents, and soccer moms are joining the craze that is casual gaming, but the gaming stereotype is and probably always will be horny teenage boys secretly getting their “fix” from Japanese video games. The one thing that Japanese game development has become somewhat infamous for is how they model their female characters. Unrealistic breast sizes combined with the best physic technology is a deadly combination for the late night early school morning masturbation blues. I mean hell even male characters in those JRPG’s can blur the line. Now I’m not saying every teenage boy/girl gets off to watching scantily clad Dead or Alive girls prance around in their bikini’s while enjoying an exciting game of volleyball but I can tell you that I was once a teenage boy (yes, shocking I know) and watching digital polygons jiggle is a lot easier these days than sneaking dad’s old playboys. No doubt video game “titillation” has come along way from when I was growing up (we had the poorly pixeled breasts of Lara Croft) which is laughable compared to todays ultra-realistic graphics. Teabaggers beware, because when little Timmy runs up the stairs to his room with a copy of Dead or Aline Xtreme Beach in his hand and slams his door shut the last thing on his mind is completing the game.
Recap: Gaming like comic books is a very sexually driven medium that can easily titillate the mind of a teenage boy. Oh, and don’t be too embarrassed if you get the gender of one of those JRPG characters messed up, it’s happened to the best of us.